CATastrophe
by Witty Eagle Proud Ravenclaw
Summary: Crookshanks attacks Harry, leaving him with a harsh bruise as a reminder. Ginny, Ron and the twins back him in this statement, but Hermione won't hear of it, believing her beloved cat is a wonderful angel as always. Ron, in his crazy ways, puts his foot down. Crack-fic of sorts, set during Goblet. Featuring Insane!Ron. Truly a cat-astrophe. The actual story isn't, so review!


**Cat-astrophe**

**Author Note:**** Am I Joanne Kathleen Rowling? Nope. It's not mine, then. This idea just randomly came to me, and I had to follow it. Enjoy! **

"Owwww!" a scream sounded from the Gryffindor boys dorm. Harry woke up in pain, but the assultant had scarpered as soon as they had come. The scream had woken Neville, however.

"What's going on, Harry?" he asked, spotting the ginger hairs on Harry's bed.

"Probably a bad dream, Neville. Go back to sleep." Harry mumbled.

"Ron jumped on you again in his food-crazed dream?" Neville chuckled, gesturing to the ginger hairs. But Harry was sure those hairs weren't from Ron... he'd mull over that in the morning. It's not like Ron ever went sleep-walking anyway.

The next day, however, Harry had put two and two together, and was in a foul mood.

"Hermione Jean Granger _where ARE YOU?!_" he bellowed. "HERMIONE!" he continued. But the bookworm was nowhere to be seen. Harry eventually did find someone who could help him though.

"Ginny?" he asked.

"Yes, Harry?" Ginny replied back, frowning as she saw the bruise on his cheek.

"I need to talk to Hermione. Know where she is?" he said, but then clicked.

"Library." the raven-haired boy and the ginger girl said in unison, Ginny grinning.

Harry stormed off to the library. And ignoring the hullabaloo from Madam Prince, he found just the girl he was looking for.

"Hermione Jean Granger I need to talk to you. _Now_." he emphasised.

"Oh _Harry_, can't it wait? Whatever you and Ron have done will have to be fixed-"

"Without your help? Tchah! Me and Ron haven't done anything. It's something of yours, in fact, that's the problem." Harry almost growled. Hermione got up rather reluctantly, and didn't notice the odd hair here and there on Harry, nor the bruise.

"So what's this all about?" Hermione questioned, as the two of them just happened to pass Ron, Ginny, Fred and George. Harry growled legitimately this time.

"Something hairy. A hairy situation has occured." At this, the twins exploded.

"Good description, Harry!" Fred wheezed. A slight smile graced Harry's lips.

"Funny though it may be, Fred, it's an appropriate description. Follow me." And the sextet went up to the fourth-year boys' dorm.

"Orange hairs, Hermione." Harry pointed out. "And this bruise." he continued, turning slightly so she could see the injury. "Put two and two together."

"You don't think- no, surely-"

"That's precisely what I think. Crookshanks attacked me in my sleep." Harry hissed.

"No, Harry, he-" Hermione started pestering, but George cut her off.

"So what do you think we should do to avenge Mr. Potter's injury?"

"Kill the cat? Can we kill it?" Ron declared. Harry almost laughed - he knew that Ron's utter distaste for Crookshanks would no doubt rear its ugly head.

"No!" Hermione shouted, fearing for her dear cat's life. "You have no proof! You can't go running about and accusing Crookshanks like he's some sort of animal!"

"Er, Hermione? Hate to burst your bubble, but..." Ginny trailed. The penny dropped.

"Oh. But still! And furthermore, Crookshanks is not an _it! _He's a creature!"

"So therefore, an 'it'." Harry summarised, an evil gleam in his eyes. Hermione responded with the complete and utter death glare of all death glares.

"Enough with all this hoo-ha!_ Pleeeeeease _can we kill it?!" Ron pleaded.

"RONALD!" Hermione shrieked. "STOP INSULTING MY CAT!"

"_PLEEEEEEASE?!_" Ron begged.

"How do you propose on killing it?" George mused. "I propose skinning it."

"I propose squashing it." Fred countered, ignoring Hermione's look.

"I propose skinning it _and then _squashing it afterwards!" Ginny yelled in glee. "Sorry Hermione. Little caught up in the moment." she muttered - Hermione was glaring.

"I propose-" Harry started, but then swallowed his words. "Hermione, in all honesty-"

"Harry, you've seen the way that bloodthirsty beast of hers is always lurking about." Ron commented. Harry laughed aloud this time, remembering Ron's words from the previous year and how he was repeating them now. "Convince her!" Ron continued.

"Hermione, in all honesty." Harry started, saying what he was going to say anyway, and gesturing to the bruise. "How else do you think I got this bruise?"

"Quidditch?" Hermione wondered. The twins and Harry snorted.

"You do not end up with that-" Fred started.

"-sort of injury from Quidditch, Hermione, love." George finished.

"Either way, it's time to end the misery. Rest in peace, Squishface." Ron proclaimed.

"Squishface?!" Hermione squeaked. "You will not be brutally manhandling my adorable-"

"Adorable? Hermione, I love cats as much as you, but adorable? Crookshanks?" Ginny questioned, wondering if Hermione had truly lost her marbles once and for all.

"Although I can't be as blunt as Ron, I do believe we need to end the Furball violently for what he did to me." Harry hissed. Hermione's eyes met his own. Green fought with pleading brown. "Alright! We won't _end_ the Furball-" groans were heard from Ron and the twins at this. "-but we will get proof that he did this. Let's go get the Furball!" Harry bellowed.

"_Must _you call him that?" Hermione wondered, thinking Harry was off his rocker. Eventually they found Crookshanks (Hermione cooed over him a lot once they'd found him), and concluded with proof that the orange cat had indeed attacked Harry.

"Crookshanks, you naughty kitty... how dare you!" Hermione scolded playfully.

"I ended up with an ugly purple_ bruise _because of-" Harry started off exasparatedly.

"Call him 'This Furball' once more and I will hex you." Hermione really scolded.

"Fair enough, but still!" Harry whined. Ginny groaned - she hated Harry whining.

"Go to Madam Pomfrey, she'll clean you up." Hermione declared.

"I guess. I've had worse." Harry reasoned - the Baslisk and Dementors were worse.

"You liar!" Fred cackled.

"Come on, you pansy!" George roared jovially as Harry went off to the Hospital Wing. Harry had a feeling the twins would use a Ton-Tongue Toffee on Crookshanks later.

**AN: I admit, Harry may have been a bit OOC, but this crack-fic idea was just to good to pass up. The 'I propose' scene and Ron's 'can we kill it?' bits were already written mentally before I actually got this down on hard type. And of course, this being my first crack-fic, I had to have the twins quoting a bit of Monty Python dialogue because I'm such a fan of Python. Personally, I think this is the funniest thing I've ever written. **


End file.
